Grief is beast and grief is a brick. It hits hard and sucks the life breath out of your lungs. I can feel it racheting up in my life as we barrel towards March 17th.The day in 2019 when my dad went to the hospital and never, ever went home. Grief is one thing and many things. It compounds and multiplies. It leaves a gaping wound in your heart. I have come to the realization that I will be always live with a deep sadness – as Nick Cave says “everbody is always losing somebody”. I think once you have lost someone, you are left with this deep knowledge and presumptive grief for everyone else in your life that means something to you. You live with an expectation of sadness. Nothing is the same. Nothing. You cannot hold onto the past; you are forced into daily life and you must make decisions about what to eat for dinner. I resent making dinner decisions. I resent having to shop for groceries. I just want to be sad.
I am sorry dad that your end of life did not go the way you would have wanted. I am sorry that despite our best intentions – it turned into a shit show. I am sorry we were ill equipped and did not have the knowledge to fight better. I am sorry that we could not save mum.
Grief compounded with guilt is a whole different game. Thinking you could have done more; not even more, but choosing a different outcome. The reality being you did the best you could with what was available to you at the time. Always deciding in consensus, being mindful of the others. Checking, creating feedback loops, using all your life skills to try and navigate a path that is honourable and fitting.
Grief makes you second guess. Grief is debiliating. I can feel its creep into my days and nights. Oddly enough it makes me less empathetic to those that are still livng. You would think otherwise.
I am trying to find the light. I know there are glimmers. I am hoping my practice does not fail me.
Ramona your words are so strong & beautiful my heart is sore reading them, the light always gets thru the cracks it takes time 🤍xx San